Threes
The Front Runners. The Achievers. The Crowd Pleasers. The successful people with the proverbial ‘Midas touch’, where everything they touch turns to gold, at least it seems that way. Threes appear to know what they want to achieve in their lives and how to achieve it in the fastest and most effective way. They are attractive, dynamic, self-confident and certain of victory. They are the people who often achieve more in a decade than others do in a lifetime. Threes embody the belief: "Everything is possible if you only believe in yourself and unswervingly pursue your goal." But it is precisely in this determination that the dilemma of the Threes lies buried. They are heart people and want interpersonal relationships, but at the same time they are convinced that they are only lovable if they are successful in their work. Threes speak of a family life where they felt that they only got attention from at least one parent if they performed well. Their belief that they first have to become somebody for a right to exist drives them into being compulsively active throughout their lives. In the process, their prestige, the respect and recognition of others define their worth. So, they set themselves the goal of shining brightly in society and in their community, believing that this will satisfy their heart's need. Their focus always lies on the product, the end result, and this is ultimately the status and image that success brings. Only that which can be marketed and sold has value. Spiritual and philosophical values are only advocated if they promote self-expression and they are discarded if they lose this benefit. Threes will stop at nothing to achieve their goal. If the lie gets them to their goal, the lie is seen as truth and sold as such. Any means to avoid feeling the bottomless pain of failure is fine, and so Threes also have the gift of masking ill success as success. On that path, of course, their emotions must not be allowed to thwart their plans. Feelings are just annoying distractions and only losers allow themselves to be emotional. And so, they constantly take refuge in their work.
Threes are the star performers, the ambitious leaders; they are also called the charming chameleons of the Enneagram, because in a group of people they instinctively know which role to slip into, what to say or how to behave in order to impress and be admired by that group. They feel significant in the group, but face-to-face conversation makes them feel insecure. With their posing in the crowd, Threes convey a constant "look at me"! The tragedy here is that they rehearse so many roles in the course of their life, which they always have close at hand, that the only person they find it difficult to have access to is themselves. They identify with their image and it takes a lot of effort to maintain it. Threes suppress their exhaustion, which the constant drive to being the best and staying the best inevitably brings, by rooting for themselves internally with "You can do it! If not you, then who?" Superlative thinking about oneself can even sway into verbalism and be perceived externally as self-infatuation, when in truth these larger than life personalities have anything but a well-founded self-esteem beneath their façade. Yet, to always be the best, one is naturally in constant competition with others and that is no way to make friends. So what falls by the wayside is a healthy social life. Spouses and children feel ignored and are unhappy because there is never time for them. Interest and attention-spans in people are short-lived and superficial as Threes’s thoughts are on their job. Friends and work colleagues sooner or later get tired of being in competition or having to listen to the Threes incessantly blowing their own horns. So it happens that Threes are often abandoned by the people who are actually capable of loving them for the person they really are. But it often takes such drastic events to wake Threes up from their roles.
A change can happen for Threes if they regularly pause in the moment when feelings well up and they feel the urge to take action. In this way, they can step out of their mania for success, give space to their emotions and, most of all, let themselves feel their failures. It would be essential for Threes to find the courage to regularly shed their decorative feathers and allow themselves to be naked and one among many in order to get a realistic picture of themselves. They can find the courage to do this by starting to show the true self, first to themselves and then to a trusted person. Moreover, it is fundamental for Threes to understand that they impress people more when they are authentic, with all their quirks and flaws, because these make them human, and above all, lovable. Another step to learn is to give the other person the attention and admiration that they normally only give themselves. Sincere interest in the other person will fuel sincere interest in them and so they will feel valuable as the person they truly are and they will redefine success and pursue their life's journey with a deep sense of trust in their hearts.